March 23, 2009 - my primary care doctor has determined that I suffer from depression and he has added Remeron to treat it and to aid me in sleeping.  While he didn't say so directly, he seemed a little puzzled or disapproving that I was allowed Benadryl in the hospital as a sleep aid and he told me that my continued use for the six months since could actually be contributing to my current inablity to sleep.  It seems Benadryl is okay for a healthy brain but not a brain that is in healing.  My doctor gave me an explanation but it flew right over my head.

I had my first Remeron last night and for the first night in many I slept nine full hours.  Remeron left me sleepy when I did wake and it took serveral hours for that feeling to pass but the rest of the day was good.  I felt more alert and seem to have fewer problems with memory and concentration but I always feel better after a full nights sleep so I am certain that is the reason and not because one Remeron.

My doctor warned me that most people on Remeron gain weight something he does not want me to do.  This will be just one more difficult process in all this but one that much be done. 

One of my concerns about antidpressants drugs is the number of people that I am aware of that committed suicide while using them.  When working as an investigator for the Sheriff's Department, I investigated or supervised the investigation of probably two to three dozen maybe more suicides and for many there were telling signs each had in common leading up to the event.  Contrary to what most people believe, it is rare for people who kill themselves to leave notes.  A few did but most did not.  Most had troubled behaviors, they were drug addicts, alcoholics, divorced, or in some cases trouble individuals who were trying to attempt suicide but went too far.  In the early Reagon years we had serveral that did it becuase of the bad finanacil information that was always in the news.  Those who were using anti-depressents rarely fit any of these catagories.  They were for the most part normal ordinary people who most people didn't know they were taking anti-depressents and suddenly without the normal warning signs, they kill themselves or in some rare cases, force others to do it for them.   As a person who during most of my adult life has been in a leadership role I am deeply aware that anti-depressents may change more about who I am than I desire and these are just some of my concerns about taking anti-depressents.  Part of my reason for documenting this treatment in such a public way is if I do change in a way beyond my control, the progression will be documented in my own words.

Night Two:  I went to sleep around 9:45PM and I awoke around 7AM.  I slept pretty sound but do recall having a brief moment of 10 to 15 minutes late in the night or early morning when I wasn't totally awake but I wasn't  totally asleep.  The sleepyness I experienced the morning after my first night on Remeron didn't last as long today.  Within one hour I was fully awake and didn't seem to feel any effects from the drug.  It is now 3PM and my day today is going much better than it has for many weeks and maybe for serveral months.  I am working on a website and have put in about six hours on the design and seem much more focused.  I don't seem as disconnected from my work as I have been.  I do from time to time feel like I am in a little bit of a fog but that only lasts for a few seconds at a time then blows away.

Night Three:  This night wasn't as good as either of the first two.  I went to sleep around 9:30PM.  I woke up enought at 1:30AM that I looked at the clock to confirm the time.  From that point on I drifted in an out of sleep until I was awaken by my wife around 7:00AM.  I never seemed to be fully asleep but never seem to be awake.  I am not sure what state I was in.  Surprisingly I feel rested but I have yawned a few times today. 

Night Four:  I went to bed around 9:30PM and I seemed to sleep very well.  I awoke on Saturday morning at 7:45M when my phone went off alerting me that it was time to take my blood pressure medication.  There was no indication that I was medicated.  That feeling seems to have past.  My head was clear and I seem as normal as I was before my aneurysm.  I felt so well that when my oldest Son called asking me if I wanted to come over and go with him to the Tallgrass Prairie and try to photography Buffalo in the snow, I got ready and headed out driving to Oklahoma in a driving snow storm.  It was a wild ride, the last 25 miles was about 30 mph because so much snow was falling but I was alert and had no difficulties.

Night Five:  I went to bed around 10:20PM.  That may have been my lastest bedtime since before my aneurysm.  Having spent the day chasing the snow storm, and taking photographs of Buffalo, we were up late looking at our photos, improving on them, and publishing them up to our website.  I lost track of time but around 10:10PM sleepness soon took over and I headed to bed.  Even in a strange bed I slept very sound and awoke at 7:45AM when my phone alert went off telling me it was time to take my blood pressure medication.